When I first got the scholarship, it was the best thing I could have ever had - money, education paid for, escape from hell, a country where the salary was high, etc. In addition, I got to learn another language, which was pretty cool as well. But those precepts didn't last forever, for better or for worse.
After I got rejected by the fucktarded professors at Tokyo Medical and Dental University because some goddamn Malaysian retard managed to fail the 3rd year 3 times in a row, I just gave up on everyone. Fuck the Malaysians who don't give a shit about how their shit affects the rest. Fuck the Japanese who generalize people. Just fuck them all. People in general are fucking retards - the only difference is whether they realize it or not.
So I'm stuck here in the countryside in Gunma University, a place which has its moments, but ultimately overwhelmed by how shitty it is. I'm gonna be stuck here for the next 5 1/2 years, so I have to get used to it soon, but several things really worry/piss me off.
First off, I'm never going to fit in with my Japanese classmates. Everyone knows how hard it is for the foreign student to learn the language, but no matter how long, it's still going to require effort to interact with the foreign student. I know this from personal experience, finding it really hard to talk to someone who doesn't know the language completely, what more the culture.
Another thing is the fashion. I stand out among my classmates - not for the right reasons. I dress casually even for a casual dresser. Homer Simpson shirts, jeans, slippers. The thing is, I have no idea how to dress fashionably, and even if I do, things probably wouldn't change and it would just be a hassle keeping it up. So I don't give a shit anymore. Not like anyone's going to care how I dress anyway.
Recently too, I talked with a friend over here, and he said something really interesting. Maybe we were wasting our youth here - missing out on normal interactions that we get in university simply because we don't speak Japanese natively. Guys like us (or me, at least), don't date in university, don't join many clubs in university, and probably unable to form close friendships, simply because it's hard to trust someone who's speaking a language you only half-understand. Simply put, what the fuck am I doing wasting my years here? I'm not going to make any friends here that I would bother contacting decades later. I'm not going to find love here, because being unable to express deeper thoughts in a different language crushes any deeper bond. Note: This is also because I am Asian. Furthermore, an asshole. So basically, I'm just here to study. But when I graduate, I'll be at least 27, with only a degree to show for it - will I have grown personally, socially, psychologically? I have serious doubts now.
In many ways, I feel like I've wasted so much time. I'm only in my first year but so many of my friends have graduated, and some are already working. Others are doing graduate studies, Masters, etc. Those who are doing medicine are already halfway through. I'll be years behind them in entering the workforce and making my own money - all because I chose to get a free education. Will I even be able to work in Japan after I graduate? Will I want to, with all the racism and discrimination about? The economy is turning to shit, and the country soon will too, I expect. Unfortunately, going back home too is not an option - leaving racism and discrimination behind was why I chose to come here in the first place. Ironic, eh.
One of my most worrying problems regards my friends back home. The Pervert Alliance is the one thing constant in my life, and the only thing that anchors me to my past, who I am and what I am now. But being in Japan, a country that probably means nothing to them, is what I'm worried about. After all the years, when I meet up with them again, what experiences can I talk about? The smelly otaku? The crazy obsessions of the Japanese? The racism? The general fucktardness of the place? The crap food? Somehow I don't think it would be the topic of conversation for long. And we can't talk about the past, we've talked about it so much before that it's redundant. The only thing I can think of is making new memories - which is why I'm so anxious to get home and recover the me that I was back in Malaysia, not this me, who's sick of Japan and its hypocrisy. But I worry about whether I'll be able to show much interest in what new experiences they've accumulated as well - this really worries me.
Do I regret coming to Japan? Yes, and no. If I hadn't come here I would've remained obsessed with my hobbies for a long time, not known Japanese, continued going to a shit university, and been trapped in the same house as my parents for god knows how long. I've learned a lot of stuff here - good or bad, who knows. And yet I'm starting to see Japan for what it is, and beginning to realize the consequences of coming here - somehow, I'm dreading the next 5 1/2 years.
To end, here's a scene that I would never have been able to see in Tokyo, nor back home. I still fucking hate Gunma, though. Goddamn countryside.
4 comments:
Haha dude dont worry man...there is and only one ck out there and that is you. Who gives a shit whether you have been gone for decades, we'll just pick off from where we left off whenever we meet. And it doesn't really matter how much you've changed or how long you've been away. The minute you are back here, you'll feel the natural flow of yourself coming back to you. Just hang on, you'll be back here in no time.
Dude, you are the kind of friend who needs no maintenance. Meaning, I can cease all forms of communications with you for even a decade and see no difference in interaction on the day we meet. No awkwardness, nothing.
Sometimes, I feel that accepting your current state and making the best out of it beats trying to find a way out.
The PA is right with you (I chose not to use "right behind you" to avoid sounding gay). Cheers man, we could all gather and listen to the ordeals each of us are facing reasonably soon. All the best.
Japan sucks your soul and kills your self esteem.
I lived in Gifu for a year and was so happy to go home. I didn't hate all of it but things were bad sometimes. It's practically impossible to fit in there as a foreigner because the Japanese are incredibly ethnocentric. It's even harder as an Asian because they think they're better. They constantly generalize (I'm obviously just generalizing now as well).
It's free but surely you can win another scholarship (after all, you won this one!)? If you choose to stay, things could get better. Are there other foreigners or exchange students around? What about ALTs?
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